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John Cena made a surprising comeback tonight, appearing as the 30th entry in the Royal Rumble and winning to gain a shot at the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania.

Andy Richter made a surprise appearance on Late Night with Conan O’Brien tonight, popping up as Conan searched the audience for a Chicago native that wanted to take a “desk drive” with him;  a skit made popular by the duo when Richter sidekicked the show.

Good to see him back, and he looks to have lost a little weight!

In an effort to make good with XBox Live players who encountered problems with the service over the holidays, Microsoft made the arcade game “Undertow” a free download for the next few days.

The problem is that the game is in no way quality compensation for the poor user experience in December.  The game itself holds promise as a nice, compact multiplayer title.  But it isn’t good enough to feel like you got what you were due.  

Microsoft would have been way better off giving users the 400-800 Microsoft Points needed to go purchase whatever they wished from the Marketplace.

But that would have made way too much sense, right?

Heath Ledger, an Academy-award nominated actor famous for his role of a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain, was found dead in a Manhattan apartment on Tuesday, according to CNN.

Police suspect drugs played a part in his death, but other sources cite extreme anal trauma as a result of a violent gay gangbang session late Monday night.  He may have also been murdered by the Jews.

A 15-year-old girl and his 13-year-old mistress were found safe today in Cameron Parish, Louisiana after disappearing on a cross-country trek in the boy’s family’s minivan.

Hannah McConnell and Gage Petherbridge left their Vienna Township, Michigan homes nine days ago with $680, the boy’s dog and his Xbox 360 in what was clearly a well-thought out plan for survival.

Initial reports say that they turned up at the home of pop singer Britney Spears’ mother.  Other reports say that they might have been on their way to Jena, Louisiana to participate in anti-Martin Luther King protests with a white supremacist group.

Oh, can this bitch get any more stoopider??

Photos have surfaced that appear to show Britney in a California Rite Aid snooping around in the pregnancy test aisle.

Hey, when you lose your kids, just make some more!  Dumb whore.

Animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has launched a new commercial that draws comparison between teen pregnancy and spaying or neutering a pet.   The message conveyed is that you wouldn’t encourage your daughter to run around having sex with anything that moves, and that by not fixing your pet, this is the behavior you are encouraging it to engage in. 

The 30-second ad is airing in Jamie Lynn Spears’ hometown; Spears recently announced that she was pregnant at 16 years of age.

I think it’s pretty clear that the underlying message here is that PETA wants kids to engage in sexual relations with their pet dogs and cats.  Hopefully, they would become pregnant and the resulting dog/human or cat/human mix will be subject to the more humane laws of society rather than the barbaric rules (in PETA’s eyes, at least) that govern the animal world. 

Eventually, PETA would want kids to have sex with all species of animal.  This would ensure that at some point in the future, all species have a human component and therefore can no longer be viewed as candidates for laboratory testing.

So make sure little Sally and little Jimmy are rubbing peanut butter on their privates every day so that they might fulfill PETA’s wishes!

A man in Forth Worth, Texas exacted some unusual revenge on his 18-year-old stepson. 

When dad found out his 8-year-old daughter had been ass-raped by the teen, who was arrested for the crime, he concocted his own brand of vigilante justice.  The stepson was bailed out of jail by mom, despite warnings not to do so from the dad.  So dad went and picked the teenager up, took him to an abandoned house, beat him with a baseball bad and sodomized him with a metal tool.

As usual, the police blab on about letting the law handle these matters and blah blah blah.  Some vigilante justice is just too good to pass up on.  Now that kid knows what it feels like.  Maybe he’ll think twice about it next time.  If I can find how to donate to the father’s legal fees, I will do so immediately and I’ll post the information here!

Missing pregnant Marine Lance Cpl. Maria Lauterbach has been killed, the Onslow County sheriff said Friday.

Given that Lauterbach stepped outside of the three living rights of every woman; homemaking, sex partner and punching bag, the outcome is sad but not surprising.  It’s a dangerous world out there, and men are really the only ones capable of handling the daily plight outside of the home.

FOXNews.com is reporting that Hannah Montana star Billy Ray Cyrus uses a body double during a small portion of his show to facilitate transitioning between himself and Hannah Montana during the act.

Sadly, girls (and homosexual boys I suppose) who have thought that Billy Ray was the one giving them that tingling sensation in their pants the entire concert will have to live knowing that for a brief moment, they were approaching climax to a nobody.  According to one report, a 12 year old was quoted as saying that now that Billy Ray has broken his achy breaky heart, he can no longer achieve a erection.